So often when conflict first happens, it feels like there is no way to overcome it. But if both parties are willing to make the effort – and I can’t overstate how important that is – then there is always a path back to peace.
At worst you may have to really fight for it and at best it will likely be very hard work, but it can and does happen. Here are a few key things I’ve learned over the years about how to bring resolution to a conflict.
1) Pray together – If at all possible, open this conversation with prayer. Ask God to provide a solution, to help you see each other the way he sees you, to help you both be humble and open to hearing each other, and that he would be glorified by the process and the outcome of this effort to resolve conflict.
2) Start with the heart – Before we get into the weeds about what happened, let’s get back to the foundation of our relationship. No matter what else has happened, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you, I value you, I miss you, and I am committed to working this out. These types of words are most important and set the stage for healing to happen.
3) Accept responsibility – Ownership is key. If appropriate, and preferably without being asked, apologize for things you said or did that were hurtful. Don’t make excuses or justifications. Just own it. I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. When you sincerely take this posture, it can accelerate the entire process because it knocks down so many walls between where you are and where you are trying to go.
4) Body language – Body language communicates so much so pay attention to that. Sitting is better than standing. Facing each other is better than not. Try to keep arms and hands open as opposed to clenched or crossed. And do your best to lean in and focus.
5) Use your words – Try to use positive, affirming language that communicate your openness and desire to find resolution. Saying things like ‘I hear you’, ‘I totally understand that’, ‘yes and also….’, ‘you make a good point’, and ‘I can see why it would seem that way or why you would feel that way’. This is the language of understanding and agreement and creates the feeling that you’re both on the same page and want the same outcome.
6) Attack the issue, not the person – This is a delicate balance to be sure, but it can be done. For example, instead of saying ‘You are so mean to me’, or ‘You don’t care about my feelings’, you might say something like, ‘When you said that (in that way), it really hurt my feelings’. When you can communicate this well, you’re essentially giving the other person the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions. It’s not who you are, it’s just what you said or did (or how you said or did it).
7) Acknowledge your triggers – If you have had the benefit of years of experience (and probably a lot of therapy) you may have healthy self-awareness about your triggers. If the person you are in conflict with is one of your more serious relationships (spouse, sibling, parent/child, close friend), and one of your triggers played a significant role in the current issue, it may be appropriate and safe to share that information. Our triggers greatly inform our perspective and how we process information. Education and understanding about these things can help bring resolution and also help to prevent similar conflicts in the future.
8) Get some help – If all else fails, it’s never a bad idea to bring in a neutral third party. This can be a trusted friend or family member who knows you both well, or if things really get out of hand it may need to be a trained professional. This person can bring some much needed perspective to both parties, and can provide helpful tools or exercises to help achieve peace and resolution.
This list is in no way comprehensive and I could write multiple posts about each individual element, but these are great starting points to help create a path that leads from conflict to peace. My prayer is that as we all apply these tools and practices, we will grow to be more and more Christlike in all that we say and do, and ultimately enjoy peace and joy in all of our relationships.
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