In the previous post we worked hard to prevent conflict. But sometimes despite our best efforts conflict happens anyway. Obviously we can’t control what other people do or say, but we are in control of our words and actions.
That said, let’s be clear: managing yourself in these types of situations can be extremely difficult. Emotions run high. Blood boils. Tears flow. Feelings are hurt. And rational, logical thought is suddenly missing in action. Even the most spiritually mature and emotionally intelligent people can struggle when ambushed by conflict. But it is absolutely worth the effort to try and manage these situations well, because when we do, it can dramatically impact what happens next. I have learned that people who do this well tend to do these 4 things in common:
1) Stay calm – The biggest mistake people make in these situations is they react too quickly. It’s understandable. They feel attacked and it’s fight or flight. They choose fight and BAM, it’s on! We’ve all been there so you know the following statement is true: nothing good will come from this. But if you can just stay calm. If you can just pause, and take a breath. Step back. Don’t get swept up. Let that wave of hot emotion hit the beach – and then let it recede right back out again. IF you can do this, the odds of this not getting worse go way, way down. And the odds of you doing something positive go way, way up.
2) Walk away – When conflict arises, emotions are high and resolution is extremely unlikely. It is almost impossible to work ON something when you are IN it. So it is absolutely ok to walk away or take a timeout as long as you communicate clearly what you are doing. As calmly and lovingly as possible let the other person know that now/here probably isn’t the best time/place to get into this, but that you hear them, respect them, and want to get back together later to work it out. And then regardless of their reaction or response, excuse yourself and calmly walk away. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.
3) Listen First – The beginning of the end of conflict is when we stop talking and start listening. People are dying to be heard and understood, so practice what is often referred to as active listening. In short, active listening is about truly trying to hear someone without judgement and without thinking the whole time about how you are going to respond. Ask clarifying questions to achieve even greater understanding. Let there be moments where you don’t say anything, or respond too quickly. Often times the other person will feel compelled to fill that space and the more they talk the more you can learn about what’s really going on.
4) Manage your response – Once it is appropriate for you to talk, ask yourself these three questions. 1) Does what I want to say need to be said? 2) Does it need to be said now? 3) Does it need to be said by me? Remember that hurt people hurt people. So instead of trying to be right, just try to be kind. It may not feel as good in the moment, but when it’s all said and done you will never regret taking the high road.
These habits take lots and lots of practice to do well. But don’t worry, unless you live alone on a desert island, you will have plenty of opportunities to master them all!
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